Emotional Abuse Tips
Emotional abuse is the most difficult kind abuse to recognize, both for the abused person and that person’s friends and family. Often, this behavior is one-on-one behind closed doors. So friends are not there to see it happen. But it is often difficult for the person being abused to recognize the abuse.
This is because emotional abuse is a form of brainwashing. It tends to reinforce negative emotions and self-perceptions that may have already existed within us. When our own irrational thoughts are reinforced, it turns the world on its ear. Up is down and right is wrong, so that we come to believe what our loved one is confronting us with every day.
“Loved one” is a dicey term, of course. What makes emotional abuse so insidious is that it comes from the person we invest the bulk of our emotional energy into. We love this person, but he seems to find us lacking in every way possible. If you naturally have self-esteem issues, then the natural reaction is to fight to be “worthy” of your partner’s love.
This is exactly what the abuser wants. The emotionally abusive partner wants control over the relationship. This person tends to be narcissistic and controlling. Once again, “narcissistic” is an important word. This means the person is thinking more about his or her needs than your needs, or the needs of the relationship. The abusive person is disinterested in whatever needs you bring to the relationship, and wants to control your life in order to fulfill his or her needs alone.
E-book: Recovering from Emotional Abuse
Spotting Emotional Abuse
Recognizing abuse is a huge part of stopping abuse. When you are able to tell yourself, “He’s wrong” or “This isn’t right” you are half the way to saying “Stop this behavior”. So a good part of this article is going to be about spotting abuse. Afterwards, I will discuss about ending the abuse itself.
Types of Emotional Abuse
1. Verbal Threats
If your loved one is prone to threats, this is a form of emotional abuse. Your partner might threaten you with leaving the relationship, leaving the house or staying gone all night. This is a bluff meant to keep you in constant dread of what personal disaster might happen next.
Note that threats tend to get worse over time. Verbal threats might eventually turn into physical threats, as your abuser gets a better feel of what you will accept. This won’t get better of its own accord.
2. Fits of Anger
The abuser is prone to fits of anger. This is a means of cowering one’s partner, to make the person feel they have committed some grave error or lapse of judgment. Once again, this is an attempt to control the other person.
You have to realize that this is actually childish behavior, no matter how threatening it is. Your partner is throwing a tantrum, the way a child might. You also need to understand there is never justification for this, that nothing you may have done justifies your partner’s anger.
3. Constant Criticism
If your partner finds fault with everything you do, this is a form of emotional abuse. An abuser wants to ruin a person’s self-image. By constantly criticizing a loved one’s characteristics and actions, one can begin to restrict and control their actions out of a desire to avoid displeasing this person.
Criticism might center on the clothes you wear, the food you cook, the television shows you watch, the friends you keep, the opinions or beliefs you hold, the job you work, the hobbies you enjoy, or almost any other thing which defines you.
Soon enough, you’ll begin to believe this nonsense.
It would be irrational for your loved one to stay in the relationship, if he or she really believed all of this. It’s an attempt to make you believe he or she is doing you a favor just staying around. Once again, this is an attempt to control every aspect of your life.
4. Making You the Butt of the Joke
This goes hand in hand with the above. This is an attempt to trivialize your life. He wants to diminish what it is you do, making you nothing more than an object of derision.
When confronted about this, the standard reaction of the abuser is that you are too sensitive and can’t take a joke. Once again, this is an attempt to control your behavior, so you feel guilty even taking up for yourself.
See that there’s a pattern forming. The pattern is that you are not worthy of love and should therefore be happy with whatever he says or does.
5. Name Calling
This one is simple. If your love one has a habit of calling you names, you are being emotionally abused. This is a direct attempt to undermine your self-esteem. There’s no justification for this.
Once again, name calling is childish. If your child called you a name, you wouldn’t stand for it. There is no reason to stand for it when your partner does it.
6. Whatever You Say Is Wrong
If your loved one counters everything you say, this is an attempt to blunt your every initiative. I’ve heard of men who ask where a woman wants to eat, then refuses to go eat there because it’s a bad idea. This might happen, even if this is normally the man’s favorite restaurant.
Countering is a common form of emotional abuse. This might be something more than simply eating habits, but can include any idea, emotion or opinion you have. If your partner seems to disagree with any opinion you hold, this is a form of emotional abuse.
This is a systematic attempt to wear down your sense of self-worth. No opinion you hold is correct, so how can you be qualified to make any decision in our relationship?
7. Stop Consulting You on Decisions
This last behavior will eventually lead to life decisions being made without your consent. Emotional abuse is meant to gain control of a relationship, so the end result will be to take all decision making out of your hands.
If your loved one does this once or twice and you let them get away with it, then it opens the gate for more of this behavior. An abuser is like a child testing the bounds of the relationship. This person is a bully. If you let a bully get away with it, the bully is encouraged to do it again.
8. The Silent Treatment
If your partner stops talking to you as a punishment for something you supposedly did, this is a form of emotional abuse.
Once again, this is a way to modify your behavior. This is the flip side of the verbal threat; it is the non-verbal threat. It is meant to imply the same idea. It is telling you to stop doing whatever it is you’re doing, or else I will withdraw from the relationship altogether.
9. Discounting and Denial
Does your loved one discount or deny any of the actions above?
This, too, is a part of the emotional abuse. Your partner is prone to lie, so why should he or she fess up to their actions?
When you begin to recognize emotional abuse and want to end it, you have two choices. One, you get out of the relationship. Two, you stay in the relationship and try to end the abuse.
In the latter case, you will have to confront your abuser. You will have to say that you recognize what’s happening and you aren’t going to take it anymore. Invariably, your abuser will deny what’s going on.
It’s the case of “believing me or believing your lying eyes”. Trust yourself. If several of the behaviors listed above are going on, then you are being emotionally abused. If that’s the case, it needs to stop. Otherwise, you will never be in the relationship you want and deserve.
How To Stop the Abuse
Once you have spotted emotional abuse, it is time to face up to it and stop it. In most cases, I would suggest that the abusive person is not going to change, so it’s better to get out of the relationship. If you decide to remain in the relationship, then several things are going to have to change.
Confront Your Abuser
Whenever abuse happens, you need to confront your abuser. You have to say, “This is abusive behavior”. The abuser will deny it, of course. But you can’t be convinced you are being sensitive and humorless and making things up.
Stand your ground and let your partner know that know better. This brings the relationship back into the real world, instead of the world of lies your partner is trying to construct.
Set Boundaries
You have to let your abuser know you will not be emotionally abused. You have to be adamant about this. If his terms for continuing the relationship is to control and dominate it, then you aren’t going to stay.
It is not too much to ask that our partner respect us. Respect is the foundation of a healthy relationship. Respect is an essential component of “true love”. No person is going to agree with every opinion or action you take; but respecting your actions and opinions is essential.
Just remember; the natural order of things is that our loved ones respect us. Any deviation from this order is your abuser’s fault.
Build Your Self-Esteem
If you have been in a relationship where everything you’ve done is wrong, then your self-esteem can’t be high. You have to keep telling yourself that the world doesn’t work that way.
We’re all flawed human beings. Not everything we do is rational and wise. On the other hand, not everything we do is irrational and wrong.
You’re going to make mistakes. Join the club. That doesn’t mean you are unworthy of love and respect.
If he or she doesn’t like the music you like, the t.v. shows and movies you watch, the friends you keep, this is no reason for your loved one to constantly berate you about it. Life is too short to overanalyze trivial stuff. Unless these are somehow harmful to you, it’s a matter of personal taste and preference. If something which does us no harm brings us enjoyment, it can’t be all that bad.
If any person’s life is held up to a magnifying glass, we could be made to look the fool. So don’t internalize every little criticism. It’s easy to focus on the negatives. Focus on the positives, too.
Talk to a Friend About This
If you think you are being emotionally abused, talk to a friend or family member about it. An abusive relationship distorts your perspective. It’s good to get an outside perspective, to know if you’re imagining things.
Besides, it helps to talk about these things.
Take Responsibility For Your Life
Finally, if you recognize that you are being emotionally abused, make certain to change this. You deserve better, no matter what your abuser is telling you. Don’t linger in an abusive relationship. Don’t be a victim.
If you try to end the abuse and it doesn’t change, then you must get out of the relationship. Behavior might change for a few days, but you need to make certain your abuser understands the bounds. If in a month or two the abuse continues, you must leave the relationship.
We get into relationships to satisfy our need for companionship, to find someone who will support us and fill our many needs. If your companion is incapable of doing that, it is time to find one who can.
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I’m in a abusive relationship right now and find it odd how this article focuses on the male as the bad guy. I have yet to try out techniques yet since I am getting a severe silent treatment as she ran off camping for a week after a day of fighting. I have no idea how to react when she gets back because I do love her more than anything. But I fear that I am the one who let’s this control and neglect happen. Almost accepted the abusiveness as part of her I love…
thank you for your article, you really made me think in a different way. i have a couple of questions though. Does an emotional abuser have that kind of attitude on purpose? i mean, does s/he tell that : ok, now i’m gonna make her feel bad for herself, so she won’t leave the relationship? And the other thing is, do these people love their partner? do they really care for them, only they do it in a wrong way? or not?
I liked the article because of some refressing point of views. I think that when you spouse crtisizes you the best way is to say” Thank you for your opinion”. It is dot defensive, but it will close the argument in a way that abuser cannot add much into it. I am not sure that the abuser is full aware of his/her goalsin the way that the article kind of lets you understand. However, the similar pattern seem to be constat for these type of people who attempt to control others (men and women). I think it is very difficult to recover and gain your power back. Some kind of systematic mentoringover long perioid of time, in order to regain your self esteem is essential, either is through the therapy of something else.
Dear sammy, answer to your question, do they love me? I have finally left my partner, after 4 years of him controling me, we have a daughter and he made me feel guilty to leave him because of this. 3 Years on and he still thinks he can dictate that if i date anyone else, he should be informed and be the first too know. I think it is more a power thing than love, and that they are so involved with the way they want the relationship to be, that your happiness does not come into it.No i do not think its love, its finding people who, not realising, will put up with this behaviour.!
I am in an emotional abusive marriage for the last 27 years. Nothing I have ever accomplished or tried to accomplish in my life has ever been good enough for my husband. I have no formal qualifications, but I have never been a stay at home wife. For the first 7 years of marriage I worked from home, selling clothes, make up and gave private swimming lessons. When my children got bigger I got a position at a guest farm. My children would after school stay with me on the farm until I had to go home. After that I became an agent for a removal company, and could work from my home office as to not be away from my kids. My husband got a promotion after that and we had to move province. We lived in the city for 4years. During this time I set up a studio at home and started painting again.
I have been degraded and belittled for so long, I constantly have to hear that I am worthless, and how stupid he was to marry me in the first place, and that I should be grateful that he took me in. The last couple of weeks the abuse has become violent. He constantly confronts me with my past boyfriends before we got married. I do not feel like getting up in the morning anymore or doing anything, I do not know why he is doing this I am so desperate, can someone please give me advice
hi there anita
i am 22 yrs old and in an emotionally abusive relationship…
i have had insight into this for months and i have seen a counsller about this on several occassions and they can’t believe how much i understand the absuve and how i recognise it’s not me but him..i am going back this week and we are setting up a six week plan to leave the relationship….
we are not married nor do we have any children, however…we do live together and have only been together for just over a year…the signs of ur abusive marriage at the moment are the signs that set in very early in my relationship, bringing up past boyfriends and past loves…everything i do is wrong, i now have no friends left in my life, when i once had a very sociable life, lots of friends and was always out doing something…now my life consists of making sure all of his wasing is done, the house is spotless, dinner is cooked, lunch is made for him to take to work, i rush home from work ( i work full time) to make sure his dinner is cooked, i literally have no life…and i have lost everyone….at the start i was like u lisa, i didnt get out of my bed, i couldnt eat or sleep…there is also physical violence aswell….this only started recently….i have bruises all over my body, he hasnt punched me, but thrown me all the over place…and makes threats to ‘bash the shit out of me’ or ‘rip my head off’ i used to beg him for love and go into a crying rage begging for him to explain his behaviours…but now i am well and truly past that point….i find him disgusting, repolisive and i hate him…and hopefully this is what will allow me to finally leave..
Hi everyone,
I read this article and recognised some characteristics of myself! Me and my partner were both emotional abusers. I realised he wanted to control the relationship and made me feel worthless. I tried to be as nice as I could, tried to make no mistakes, be the best girlfriend I could, so that he would love me. But at the same time, I tried to control the relationships as well. I thought I could bring the balance back. I confronted him, said he was mean to me, that he made me feel like I was a bad girlfriend, threatened him to leave and find someone better than him. Obviously I couldn’t, I loved him too much. I think I made the relationship worse on purpose (I did not realize that then) so that he would eventually leave me, because I could not make the decision.
@ Sammy:
People who emotionally abuse eachother, sometimes realize that their behavior is not normal, that they are hurting their partner. Because they can’t deal with the feeling that he/she did some bad things to someone they love, they try to blame the other, in their eyes the partner deserved it. Most of the time they have an ideal image of how the relationship is supposed to be. If their partner does not live up to those irrealistic standards, they try, by all means, to control the other’s behaviour and model the relationship untill it’s perfect in their eyes. My boyfriend loved me and I loved him, but it was a sick, jealous love.
@ Anita:
If you find the courage to get out of the relationship, please do.
By what you accomplished in your life, you showed others and yourself that you have some great competencys and qualities. The fact that your husband confronts you with your past boyfriends shows he is a somewhat jealous type. I think he sees you more as his possesion than as an equal partner. He sais he was stupid to marry you in the first place, which means that he wouldn’t care if you’d leave. But I bet that when you’d say you are planning to leave, he will start to panic. He sees you as his treasure, as an object, not as the wonderful person that you are. I think he is only holding you back. I don’t know how old your children are. If you are afraid to leave him because of the children, don’t be. I bet they rather have a happy, stable mother than to life in a family with tensions and abuse.
@ Everyone:
If you decide to leave, be carefull! It is not always a good idea to tell your partner you’re planning to leave when you are not strong enough. Your partner may react violently, because he loses every control over you when you make your own decisions. He is powerless when you decide to leave, and he or she hates that. Best is to tell him/her at the last moment. Bring someone with you that can help you pack your stuff if you are scared that your partner will react with violence (police, friends, parents,…) The most important thing to work on is your self-esteem, the thing your partner is trying to take from you. Consulting a therapist is a good idea, he can help you place everything in the right perspective. Letting gi is hard. I didn’t dare to leave my partner, I thought I would never love again, that I would never find someone else as “good” as him. I was wrong. Love came again. I have a new boyfriend who respects me. I talked a lot about my previous relationship and the emotional abuse. If I react in a wrong, controlling way, he confronts me with my behaviour and shows me that it is wrong and unnecessary. He gives the good example and I learn to love in a non-abusive way.
Good luck to everyone and remember: it is never to late to take a new start and to try to find a partner who will respect you.
I have been in a relationship for 10 years, married for 7 of them with 2 kids 4 and 5. The most recent episode happened Sunday morning at 3:56 AM – I received a call on my phone from a restricted number. It woke my husband up. He gave me the phone and I turned the ringer down as to not wake my youngest who was alseep in our bed. I didn’t hear the next 2 phone calls (one at 4:09am and the next at 6am) He believes that I know who was calling me and that I turned the phone down as to avoid answering it. (Not Ture) He also says he wouldn’t put it past me that I got myself into a situation be it a co-worker or someone else in which I either gave out my cell number or someone is interested in me and somehow got my number. All of which are not true. He told me that it was disrespectful to use the phone he pays for to talk with guys and that if he ever finds proof that I’m lying, he will rip both my arms off. Lovely! This has been going on for years. He always threatens to divorce me or tells me to “hit the road” then comes back later and says he loves me and doesn’t want a divorce. Right now though I’m getting the silent treatment. He’s great with the kids – smiles at them, hugs them etc. but with me I barely get a hello. There are so many stories and so many times I’ve been called names and threatened (but he has never hit me)however the emotional stuff really hurts. I wish I knew some way to get through to him. I’m thinking he’s the way he is because his mom died when he was 7 and his dad is pretty grough. (sp?) anyway – just wanted to – in a way say it out loud. Any thoughts or comments?
A very sad poem, but truth for some unfortunate women (and men)
J’ai reçu des fleurs aujourd’hui…
Ce n’était pas mon anniversaire ni un autre jour spécial.
Nous avons eu notre première dispute hier dans la nuit et il m’a dit beaucoup de choses cruelles qui m’ont vraiment blessées.
Je sais qu’il est désolé et qu’il n’a pas voulu dire les choses qu’il a dites parce qu’il m’a envoyé des fleurs aujourd’hui.
J’ai reçu des fleurs aujourd’hui.
Ce n’était pas notre anniversaire ni un autre jour spécial.
Hier, dans la nuit, il m’a poussé contre un mur et a commencé à m’étrangler.
Ça ressemblait à un cauchemar, je ne pouvais croire que c’était réel.
Je me suis réveillée ce matin le corps douloureux et meurtri.
Je sais qu’il doit être désolé parce qu’il m’a envoyé des fleurs aujourd’hui.
J’ai reçu des fleurs aujourd’hui.
Et ce n’était pas la fête des mères ni un autre jour spécial.
Hier, dans la nuit, il m’a de nouveau battu, c’était beaucoup plus violent que les autres fois.
Si je le quitte, que deviendrais-je ? Comment prendre soin de mes enfants ?
Et les problèmes financiers? J’ai peur de lui mais je suis effrayée de partir.
Mais je sais qu’il doit être désolé parce qu’il m’a envoyé des fleurs aujourd’hui.
J’ai reçu des fleurs aujourd’hui.
Aujourd’hui c’était un jour très spécial, c’était le jour de mes funérailles.
Hier dans la nuit, il m’a finalement tué. Il m’a battu à mort.
Si seulement j’avais trouvé assez de courage pour le quitter,
je n’aurais pas reçu de fleurs aujourd’hui…
@Middle child:
Yes, your husband has had a troublesome childhood which has contributed to the way he acts in the present. But that does not give him the right to treat you unrespectfully. He needs to understand that his problems cause him to hurt you. If he get’s insight in his behaviour, maybe there is hope for change. You could tell him in a calm way that the things he does are not fair, and that you do not deserve such kind of treatment. Tell him you understand that his childhood was not easy and some things in life can be frustrating (like being called in the middle of the night, not knowing who the caller is) but that he cannot work off that frustration on you. Tell him the way you feel when he blames you or yells at you. Maybe suggest that he, or the both of you could seek help to get your relationship back on track. If he denies that he has a problem and does not want to visit a psychologist, maybe you can consider to seek help for yourself. Therapy can help you stand up to the wrong behavior of your husband and you will feel less alone in the situation. You have to ask yourself if you love him enough to stay with him. A good partner is a friend, a teammate, someone who makes you stronger, supports you to reach your goals in life. Your life should be better and you should be happier with him than alone. If not, you know what to decide,…. I hope I helped a little.
Hello guys and girls,
A guys perspective. I feel I am in an abusive relationship. I have been with my girlfriend for 3 yrs.
My girlfriend started this by telling me constantly that I was ‘lucky’ to have a hot young 21 yr old girlfriend, and if I don’t tow the line she will “just find someone else”. Next to come was her attempting to know where I was every minute, I work away so I just thought that this was just a little insecurity, and allowed her to get away with it. She would get me to account for every minute and any little discrepancy she would say that I’m acting ‘suspicious’ or I must have been flirting or doing things I shouldn’t have been. So she would say if I went out on a Friday night, I had to give her a full plan of where I would be and when. Nights out rarely go to a plan and I told her that this was ridiculous. The big next one guys was when she started saying, ” you make me be mean to you” and it started always being my fault for everything. She also said that guys and girls can’t just be friends so I wasn’t allowed to speak to any of my friend girls, or she would get angry with me.
Now guys I am an extremely confident person and I just thought that she was just being a typical insecure girl ( sorry I know it sounds sexist), but it was when she started discounting or disagreeing with everything that I said I knew there was a problem.
I could talk all night on this, but mainly for the guys reading this, if you are in this same situation then I have some advice, ‘grow a set’ and stand your ground and do not tolerate or accept this behaviour and confront her when she attempts this. I really could talk for much longer on this but I have started with one of my girlfriends abusive ways and spoken to her about it. She said she has changed but time will tell. Thanks for reading hope it helps a little.
I have been in a emotional abusive verbal abusive relationship with husband for over 20 years. I honestly do not know why I stayed in this so long. He does not fit every catagory of an abuser, but seems to excel in the yelling,screaming, swearing going beserk part. Then after he is done I get the silent treatment for weeks, then he is extremly nice and does whatever he can think of to help me. this has been the cycle for as long as I have known him. The difference, is that I have complete control of the finances, he never insults my looks, not tries to keep me isolated. So I found that confusing, however my couselor explained to me that because he feels so inadequate, he leaves all the decisions and household matters and children to me because he is afraid of failure, If something goes wrong, he can blame me. I know he is very insecure and constantly tells people how wonderful he is. I am getting ready to ask for a divorce, I could see his behavior affected our children and I am most guilty about allowing this to occur. If anyone reading this can see these type of behaviors, I think you should get out immediately, I wish I did, and even now, I am not sure how to go about it.
What is the best thing to do when one has an emotionally abusive parent? I am, in part, financially dependent on my parents. I worked in my dad’s office for the summer and sometimes, if I am a little tired or do not understand a task completely, he freaks out and tells me that there is something wrong with me, that I can’t behave like that at work. And then when I try to defend myself he says “you aren’t supposed to talk back to your boss when you have a job. That could get you fired in the real world.” I know I was a little tired and out of it today, but he got mad at me because I was asking “obvious questions.” I could understand that he wouldn’t want me to waste his time, but he wasted even more of his own time just by yelling and arguing with me. He contradicts himself, he gives directions that are unclear and is not understanding at all. I pointed this out to him, but he was so angry, it didn’t help. I am thinking of quitting my job and just making money by other means. I only have two weeks left of summer vacation until I move back to school and I don’t have to see him. But I still have painful memories of getting in trouble with my dad when I was younger, and I always think about how awful my father is. I don’t know what to do.
This article literally describes my ex partner, who still after a year and a half of being broken up, tortures me with his endless abuse. After a relationship lasting about 4 months I finally found the strength to end it at the start of 2010 but over a year has passed and I am still taking it. And yet I can’t seem to figure out why. Someone gets abused, they leave their partner. It should be that simple but it really isn’t. And the most frustrating thing about it all is that no one else understands or seems to see how bad it actually is. There have countless times where I have sat alone crying and trying not to hurt myself listening to his nasty comments, his name calling and shouting at me down the phone. I can’t bring myself to tell my friends or family anymore because they hate him, know he is bad for me but can’t sympathise because I am in love with him, haven’t blocked his number and haven’t even told them the extent of what has gone on. My love for him is blinding me and I know the real me, the me before I met him and let him break me down to this empty shell of a person, would not have tolerated this behaviour. I don’t know what to do to get out of it. He will go for weeks at a time being perfect and caring and making me feel special, then something will annoy him. The way I dress, a male friend leaving comments for me on Facebook, anything! And he snaps. He turns it around to make it look like my fault and I always believe that it is in the end and I end up apologising to him. Writing it all down now, it seems obvious that it is emotional abuse yet whenever I explain this to him he turns it around AGAIN to make it one of my mistakes or faults. I kissed one guy a month after me and my ex broke up. Ever since he has held it against me and told me that I am ‘lucky to have him after everything I’ve done to him.’ And I sit and agree with him. He tells me I am selfish and ungrateful even though I have devoted my life to making him happy. When we were in the relationship I even dressed how he wanted me to dress. Even after counselling I can’t seem to believe that it is him and his own problems, not me. I pretend to people that things are fine, that we rarely still talk but I depend on his good moods and nice words to keep me happy. I take the view that without him I would be miserable and would rather keep him in my life when he’s horrible, which is ridiculous. I am only 21, I feel like I’ve wasted 2 years of what should have been the best years of my life. I don’t feel like I will ever recover from this :( I can’t get over him, counselling doesn’t help and I constantly hate myself reminding myself about things he’s done and said. One time he told me he wanted to kill me and he pushed me against a wall on the street because I told him a guy tried it on with me and I turned him down. He called me a lying, attention seeking, slag and made it clear how worthless he thinks I am. That’s the only time he has ever come close to physically hurting me but in a way I think I’d have preferred it. Sometimes I wish he would have just killed me. I have no self esteem left and I feel that nothing good will happen in my life again. I just can’t cope and don’t know what to do to stop this. Even if I cut him out I will still never forget things he has said to me which is the worst part.
in response to ELLA:
I can honestly and sincerely tell you from the bottom of my heart that I know what you are going thru;Listen I am a 45 year old young at heart man who was in a relationship like you;I was never good enough,when i would be right about something she would turn it on me making me feel guilty;
I always took blame for everything that happenned to her;I was there for her divorce proceedings;3 days at the courthouse for support;I am the one who gave her the funds for the retainer for her lawer,when she got her divorce and lost everything;she still owed a balance of $7500 and I went to see him and he agreed to write off the debt,however 10 days later she got me arrested because I had caught her in one of her many lies,but this time I came forward,confronted her with it and she turned around,called the cops and made up a story that i followed her,and threatened her life;I was arrested and still today I can tell you that I still have feelings for her,however I have conditions to respect and therefore cannot communicate with her in any way……….My advice to you,if you love yourself,you will leave him,cause he will destroy any self-esteem you have left!!!! You are 1/2 my age sweetie,so age has nothing to do with the abuse a person goes thru;I loved and still do love her even though she got me arrested however I have to face the fact that our story is over for my own well being……This 45 yr old woman was the woman of my life but in a years time she has destroyed me,financially,emotionnally,physically and mentally drained me! I am an empty soul day in and day out;PLEASE DON’T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU!!!!!
@ Ella
Thank you for your post. I find it very honest and relatable. I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year and a half, and I have reached my breaking point. After some heavy reading, talking with friends, family, and counselors, and also my boyfriend, my denial is broken. I have been taking his emotional bulls*** for a loooong time, and I have just begun to recognize it. And you know what? My self esteem is on the rise. I now know that his inability to stop his abusive behavior has nothing to do with me. He is reacting out of past hurt and past relationships. His mother left him when he was still a kid, and he refers to her as a “no good slut.” Similarly, he speaks about his exes in a very disgusting light. It’s clear to me that this guy is severely mysoginistic and believes (mostly) that women are all no-good sluts. Including me.
I was shocked when I began to awaken. How could I have put up with this emotional abuse for so long and not even have realized it? Not only does emotional abuse manifest emotionally and mentally, it is physical too. Even though my boyfriend (we’ll call him Evan) has never laid a finger on me in violence, the emotional abuse has left me with headaches, body aches, back aches, and horrible digestive problems. I have been to a doctor, and they confirmed that there was no physical explanation for this.
When I spoke with Evan about all of this, he will either a) deny it, calling me “too sensitive” or “humorless” when I refuse to laugh at a cruel joke at my expense or b) break down and cry and tell me how much he hates himself for what he does to me and promises never again. Both of these reactions, I now realize, are unacceptable. The second one especially, because it’s clear to me that he is not apologizing for what he said or did and my emotional hurt over it. He is apologizing because he KNOWS his behavior is unacceptable and he wants to wash away his guilt by having me sweep it under the carpet and minimize the behavior as per usual.
Ella, I’m not taking this anymore. We live together still, and I have begun to separate from him, mentally, physically, and emotionally. My friends and family can’t stand the guy and have tried to be nice, but they are VERY concerned for my health and well-being, as am I.
Today, I’m choosing to take my life, my mind, and my heart back from this abusive person. None of us deserves this abuse. And that’s the tricky part, right?! The abuser finds ways to manipulate you into believing that YOU are the problem, that YOU need help, that YOU are too needy, etc…and it levels our self-esteem. But really, emotional abusers are scared and stuck in the past, and the reason they do what they do is that (for some) they are terrified of being abandoned. Honestly, I won’t lose much by cutting my boyfriend loose. I’ll lose his “love” (really more of a pattern of egoic wanting and needing than love) but I’ll gain my self-respect.
Some behaviors I have put up with that fit the profile of emotional abuse:
1. Stonewalling, refusing to acknowledge my feelings when I’m hurt, or refusing to acknowledge me altogether.
2. Bringing up the past. (This is a BIG one gals) He brings up past relationships of mine and finds fault with every single one. He even spat upon a past relationship of mine that I remembered with fondness.
3. Isolating you from friends and family. For me, this happened quickly. He would constantly tell me “true” stories about how my friends and family were badmouthing me, didn’t love or respect me, etc. I lost a lot of friends this way because I believed these lies.
4. Belittling my sexuality. In addition to bringing up past relationships, he’ll bring up my sexual history a LOT. If I tell him “stop it. this is unfair and unreasonable” he will find some other way to vent, be it through facebook or talking to my friends.
5. Empty promises. He promises to clean his mess, pay a bill, get a bigger tv, wake up and take me to work, etc. After so many empty promises, the natural reaction is to think “yeah, right…” Also, he expects recognition for these promises and gets angry when I don’t jump up and down and get excited when he “promises” to take me to a movie or buy us a puppy.
These are just some of the things I’ve noticed. There are undoubtedly more. Wish me luck as I cut Evan out of my life, and I wish all of you nothing but love and strength as you take your lives back.
I am in a verbally abusive relationship. Its really hard to admit….I’m a 30 yr old Mexican/American who nhas owned 2 of her own buisness and travel around the world alone and on my own dime. Hes a 33 yr old Anglo American with a great career, but you wouldn’t know it to hear him complain. We’ve been to gether for a little over 2 years. I get the sighlent treatment almost daily. its like living alone, but worse. Hes nicer to the dogs than he is to me. I love my dogs i do, but sometimes I resent them because they get all the love and understanding that i don’t. At first it was a huge jelously issue, never having lived with a man i thought this was normal- a little jelousy. but he constantly checks my cell phone, text messages, facebook and email- he spys on me. Why? I dont know I’ve been faithful to him from the day we met. I don’t have a social life anymore. All my friends & family are in the neighboring state. I work full time and go to school full time- which has been my escape from constant critisim, however now i’m subject to the deathing silent treatment. I’m to the point i want to leave, but schools in session and i have no means of trasportation, he told me i couldn’t afford my car and suggested i return it- my 1st mistake, 2nd was to let him offer to pay for my cell phone bill, 3rd mistake was to quit several jobs everytime he said to do so. How did i get here. I know i’m not all the names he calls me, i know I’m not lazy or ignorant. Sometimes I think the fact that I speak 3 other languages bothers him he always has a neg. comment about hispanics and all races to be honest . He was so caring and charming and protective at first and now hes mean dismissive and pulls away when i want a hug or kiss let alone anything more. he does provide a roof and a vehicle for me to get to work but i feel i have fallen out of love, now i’m just scared to leave.
Hello,
My fiance is a good guy. He encourages me, he does everything he can to help me and we have so much in common…. up until very recently I have been noticing some major red flags. I did notice it before, but now it is affecting my daily activities. How does someone who makes me so happy, make me so sad at the same time? He has displayed some of the emotionally abusive traits, but not too severely. Maybe it will start getting worst with time.
1- He has problems with my sisters , and has put my entire family in the same boat. He is making it very difficult for me to spend time with them. The only thing is the problems he has are pretty justified( I have a dysfunctional family). I am only allowed to spend time with anyone if I run it past him first and we reach a mutual decision ( he makes it seem like it is mutual, but it isn’t, it’s usually me agreeing with him). My sisters and him do not get along. Mainly a clash of personalities(I personally can’t stand them either SOMETIMES)but I am no longer allowed to spend time with them or be in the same room as them.
2- He is very jealous. he gets mad if I associate with any men. I had to get rid of all my male friends on facebook because he said so. I actually deacivated my account because I was communicating with his brother and just making innocent jokes( his gay brother)… he got so mad he flew off the handle.
3- I suggested that we go to a counseler. He refuses to see that he has a problem. We had a huge fight because I wanted to attend my cousin’s wedding ( my sisters were going to be there). He did not want to go, so I was going to attend without him. He was so mad that he threatened to break up with me if I went ( this is usually what he does when he doesnt get his way). We fought until 4 am in the morning and we finally came to the decision( “we” meaning I was tired of fighting and he made the decision), would go to just the ceremony. We showed up and quickly left after. My entire family is mad that least I didnt go to the reception. I called him controlling. He doesn’t think he is.
4- Everything that I do that he isnt happy with usually leads to a conversation about him being so unhappy about it that he will leave me. He leaves the house whenever we get into any huge fight. I stay up worried about him and thats what he wants.
As I mentioned earlier he is a wonderful guy with the best of intentions. The abusive traits are light, but getting worst with each situation and each fight. We rarely fight mostly because I avoid situations that would cause one to occur. I have been researching the warning signs and I am from an abusive house hold. I am confused because he does not physically abuse me nor does he put me down. It seems that most of the behaviour is centered around his own poor self esteem and wanting to keep me from leaving him by limiting my access to other people. How do I convince him to seek counseling? His lack of self esteem is making me want to leave. I do believe that he is the love of my life. He lifts me and supports me and does all the things that a loving spouse should, but then there’s the dark side. Anyone can offer advice?
I have been married for over twenty years. It’s only been the last few years that I have begun to recognize his anger and rants as the abuse that it is. Partly because I had already had no self esteem to begin with from a childhood of abuse. But partly because it has gotten worse, These last months have gotten much worse and unless there is a big change in him I won’t be staying to find out how bad it will get. So far it hasn’t been physical, and I never been fearful of him hurting me (physically anyway, emotionally he has broken me many times over). He seems more out of control than before, though. His anger seems to come from nowhere and he delights in making me cry. Does he ever apologize? Of course not..because I am the one that was wrong. And then as if someone flipped a switch and he’s back to charming self. Leaving me reeling and questioning whether what just happened really happened. I have been working on myself and now I feel like I have come out from under his spell of believing his criticism and belittling and name calling. His family, friends, and coworkers would never believe this of him as he has a great personality except for these times of rage. He saves that for me, I guess.
I have been in a relationship for 3 years and my boyfriend is just mean he always makes comments about my hair, how I look, about how I smoke, my believes, and how he doesnt think I love him, how he thinks I’m cheating on him. I don’t know what to do. I tell him that he isent beening nice and all he does is get mad and tell me that I need to learn to take a joke. Am I beening a drama queen or am I’m beening Emotional Abused? Please help me out.
If you see the signs are that of an “emotional abuser”, it is time to move on. Unless and Until the “abuser” acknowledge his/her disease, then there is no other relief but to MOVE ON!. I was in an “emotional, physically and spiritual” abusive relationshp for 9 years. In the last 3 months, he sent me an email (coward way of ending a relationship) to tell me “he wanted to do something different and it didn’t involve me”, and that hurt. I sent him an email, no response. I sent him a voice mail and still no response. It was at that time, i sought professional advice, only to find that I was in an abusive relationship. It have taken me 3 months to get over this. I don’t hate him, but I do feel sorry for him and pray for him. Because it is one thing I know to be a fact, unless his/her behavior change or they seek professional help, they will always reap the same harvest. But for me, I have healed and now have an internal joy, that no person can give. So I say to all of you, you have to decide what is more important, staying or pursuing a relationship that never got start, or leaving and finding one that will start right. An emotional abuser DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO LOVE, because they don’t know what LOVE is. To them, LOVE is control and NOBODY have the right or authority to control another person’s life but your creator GOD himself.
Be Safe and be blessed, but most of all be FREE
I’ve read through all of the comments, but instead of adding my own story of my miserable life with an emotional abuser, I’m wondering if someone can point me in the right direction on how to get out? I am a stay-at-home mom of an 18 year old son (he’s a senior in high school), a 2 year old daughter, and a 7 month old daughter. My husband refuses to provide any financial assistance (ex. child care expenses) in order for me to get a job outside of the home. All of my family and friends live in another state, and besides that, my family will NOT help me. Does anyone know how I can get my children and myself out, besides just telling me to leave? I need help!
@ Nate
There is no question that women can be emotionally abusive. I think the English language needs a gender-neutral personal pronoun. :)
@ ReAnne
Using finances as a means of control is another aspect of emotional abuse. You may want to look into hotlines for domestic abuse and women’s shelters. Things like that are set up to help people escape from an abusive relationship and get back on their own two feet. Seeing a counselor is also a good idea. If you can’t for some reason, stop by the office and just take a look at the brochures. Every counseling center I’ve ever been to has a bunch. That will probably give a better idea of what’s available locally.
If your son is interested in college, have him start applying for scholarships now. With luck, he could be financially independent or close to it. Even if not, every little bit helps.
Be extremely cautious of scams. They often target people in your situation.
I wish you luck with all my heart.
Every single thing mentioned here is right about the abusive person I’m with, but I’ve got more forms of abuse, he meet girls and have trillion girls numbers and when I told him why? he said they are better than me and I’m a cheap hoe. he made me believe that I’m the worst person on earth, he talked to girls right infront of me and came back blaming me for his actions, ya, another form of the abuse is doubting you and accusing you of being unfaithful , eating you alive, not allowing you to mingle with people, trap you in a prison, excessive sexual intercourse 3 times a day for a week, then nothing.. it’s hell…Its the worse thing ever happened to me. I’m not happy, I can’t get out..I hate my life, I thought of committing suicide many times..
I’m really sad reading this because this is my life–but I have 3 children who I strongly desire to raise them in a home where their parents stuck it out through thick and thin…but I also have bipolar, and his abuse has thrown me into suicidal episodes 2 times just in the last month. I’m very discouraged and don’t know where to turn. I feel trapped.
I am 56 yrs old, married for 32 yrs, I love my husband. All through our marriage life, I never had to ask for money, he always gave me his earnings. He normally was a very loving and responsible man. My husband visited prositutes before. And I had not trust him since so I checked. I move to Perth 2005 for my youngest son education, during this time he started changing. I started checking on him after I found out he made many trips to china and I found that he hide telephone numbers of china girls. He also started drinking and gambling 6 yrs ago. Run into debits for 3 yrs. He paid them all this yr. He started treathening me for divorce since he lost alot of money becoz I tried to control his gambling. The treathening got worst, he resented my calling him and would not answer my call. When he does answer, he would endlessly treathen me for divorce. He would not talked to me. I spend most time in Perth while he spend in Malaysia as he is a businessman there. When I visit him he would spend time with friends instead of me.
He would sware at me when I say wrong things and tells me I am stupid and childish. A month ago, he treathen for divorce bcoz I told him, he has been drinking over the phone. We stop talking for a wk and he flu to Macau to gamble, I manage to find out and left a note in his hotel room.
I inform his relatives about his treathening and gambling, and told them he should see a lawyer if he really want to divorce me. His sister called him and he went to see the laywer in the afternoon. He told his son he is going for divorce bcoz he cannot lie to me and that he cannot change his gambling habit and drinking.
After 2 wks of so call filing for divorce, he started going home early nstead of the usual 2am in the morning for drinking. I got someone to check on him, as I am in Perth, I know his every move. We have not spoken to each other for a month.
The last time he said he wanted to divorce me and I have no choice, that even if I do not agree it will still be over after a yr. My mentor advice me to pray which I had been doing for a. wk now. But as I said, he seemed to behave well after seeing the laywer 3 wks ago. and had tried to contact my son who is 31 yrs old
He also started to send money to me. I want to know if you think this time my husband is serious to divorce me. Does a man be a good boy going home early even though he is alone at home back by himself in malaysia if he is serious for the divorce.
Shouldn’t be he spending his time outside to merry, that he is going to divorce his wife? Please I am confused, I want him but at the same time, If he go ahead with the divorce I want to be prepared. Help me.
I once was in an abusive relationship. I am now a hypnotherapist that helps people out of abuse. To all of you who feel stuck, it’s a pretty common feeling. The abuse has made you feel that way. Find your way to a therapist who specializes in abuse issues. If it’s escaliting into physical abuse get out immediately. You may have to go to a women’s shelter if you are a woman. I don’t think there are any male shelters but tell your doctor he/she may come up with something. Maybe you have a friend that would help you. You can tell your spouse/partner you need to see a therapist for another issue. If he/she thinks it’s because of him he/she may want to control you and not let you go. Come up with a different reason that you want to go. If you have a HMO they usually have therapist on board. If not find yourself a private therapist. It will not get any better, the older they get the more it escalates. You really do deserve better.
Everything above for me is true only it is my adult son (T) and his wife(S) doing this to me. My husband and I have both asked them “what did we ever do to you?” but we can’t get a straight answer. Yesterday was the worst when a fist fight broke out between my two sons at my grand-daughter’ birthday party.
My son and his wife have been stealing from my other son (C) at our house. (T) knows we know but we have never said it to his face, well yesterday my oldest son (C) was accused of taking the memory card out of my son (T)& his wifes (S) camera, even though he didn’t then the flood gates opened. Punches flew, words were exchanged, police were called though I asked my son not to have him arrested because of my grand-daughter. So later on in the evening (T) & (S) decided to joke about it on Facebook and this morning this was left on my Facebook page from my daughter in law “Just because I’m nice doesn’t mean I like you. One day your mouth will run and I’ll shove my fist down it… you better watch what you say from this point on!” and while I am writing this, she also posted ” Its a shame some people are such control freaks and cant let their ADULT children live their OWN life because they are so miserable with theirs!” They live an hour away, I don’t call them, we never go over unannouced and rarely are invited over. And when we do, our visit is less than 2 hours because that is as much as we can take of them when we are there. And I know that after yesterday they will make sure that we have no visitation with our grand-daughter. They both have violent tempers and the walls and doors in their house tell the story. I pray my beautiful grand-daughter NEVER is in the midst of their rage.
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How do you prove that you’re being emotionally abused when you have Bipolar Disorder? Its too much! It’s like he’s the advocate and all I want is for him to confide in me, and he’s not! He’s just cold. I don’t think there was anything wrong with me as a young child, but I can see how all this emotional abuse has happened over time, with my parents, and eventually my spouse. How do I stop it, and say enough is enough!? I’m a homemaker and have NO MONEY for an attorney. I have no means of proving it’s happening, but the medication I’m taking and the distance of having my children taken away because the emotions are being thrown out… I’m dying!