8 Ways For Dealing With Losing Your Ex
If you have to watch your ex with their new boyfriend or girlfriend, it’s a kind of psychological torture. When you break up and the two of you still see one another around, someone is going to move on quicker than the other. This means you have a 50-50 chance to be the one left holding the bag.
There’s also the chance your ex moved on before your relationship was over. This makes the situation much worse, because you are also have to cope with a sense of betrayal.
Here are ways to cope with your ex moving on. I wish there was a magic formula. But their is no easy way to cope with matters of the heart. Just remember that everyone has been there at one time or another.
1. Keep Your Cool
If you come across your ex, keep your head about you. Don’t start crying and don’t cause an angry scene. If you are acknowledged, reply to your ex and be cordial. Be polite to your ex’s new “friend”. Getting emotional lets your ex know he or she is “winning”.
You ex may or may not have lingering feelings for you. If the ex does, that person will be wondering how you could be so composed. If you ex doesn’t have feelings, you’re emotions will annoy them or, at the very least, make them feel uncomfortable. Either way, you’re making a scene simply reinforces their attachment to this new person.
As for the new girlfriend or boyfriend, it is natural that the person will feel some amount of jealousy for you. If you are composed and look to have your act together, this person will think you are worthy competition. Emotional breakdowns simply allows the person to triumph over you.
2. Let Go of Your Powerlessness
You are in a powerless situation. Your ex has a new love and there’s nothing you can do about it. If your ex broke up with you, then you probably have lingering feelings that you can’t do anything about. Nobody wants to feel helpless, especially in a situation where they have so much emotion invested.
There’s nothing you can do to control the thoughts or actions of your ex. The quicker you figure that out, the better. It’s a no-win situation.
As soon as you can, disengage and move on with your life. You will find a situation where you do have some control. When this happens, your helpless feelings will melt away.
3. Don’t Beat Yourself Up
When you go through a bad breakup, it’s natural to blame yourself for making bonehead moves or having fatal flaws. Don’t put yourself through that. When the relationship was going strong, it was because both of you were adding something to the mix. Now that it has gone bad, you have to realize you are only half the equation.
You ex has just as many issues as you do. If they broke up with you, they probably weren’t thinking much about you at all. They were thinking mostly about themselves. So it’s not all your fault.
4. Let Yourself Feel the Emotions
You’re going to feel a lot of emotions: sadness, frustration, anger and perhaps even despair. The sadness and frustration are natural and healthy. And as long as you control your anger, it’s probably positive to feel this at times, too. This means you don’t blame only yourself for what has happened, that at least part of the blame is on the other person.
Feel these emotions. Talk about them with your friends. They may get tired of hearing about them, but it helps. Eventually, you’ll get tired of hearing and feeling the emotions yourself. The worst thing you can do is to shut yourself off from these feelings. It’s a common defense mechanism, but it isn’t a very good coping mechanism. Heartbreak is like a pimple; you have to let it come to a head.
As far as despair goes, this is the emotion you should try to stymie. It may not seem like it right now, but good days are ahead. You’ll find someone else and probably end up feeling silly about the feelings you’re having now. Hopelessness and depression are common in breakups, but they are just the logical conclusion of beating yourself up and dwelling on the past.
5. Occupy Your Time
Don’t sit around thinking about what is happening in your ex’s life. Try to keep your mind off of stuff you can’t change.
Sure, you need to work through all your emotions. But you will do this naturally enough without dwelling on them hour after hour. Spend a lot of time with your good friends and try to do something fun. Try to enjoy yourself. It might not work at first, but you’ll eventually start to get back in the swing of things. You might even find someone who catches your eye. The chances are a lot better than sitting at home worrying about what your ex is doing.
Dwelling on your past romance is like a bad habit. It doesn’t do you any good, and whatever joy it brings, it brings a whole lot more suffering.
6. Learn From The Experience
This won’t happen at first. When you are feeling all these crazy emotions, you won’t be in any state for “wisdom” or “growth”. You’ll probably be feeling petty and small. Don’t worry about that. Who wouldn’t suffer self-esteem issues when someone else was chosen over you?
When the time is right, try to put everything in perspective. Your friends have probably been giving you all kinds of advice. It’s probably good advice, but you haven’t been in the mood to hear it. That will come with time.
7. Time is the Great Healer
Getting through the rough times is simply a matter of suffering through it for a time. They call it “being heartsick” for a reason. It takes time to heal, just like physical injuries do.
It take a month or two, but life will start to get back to normal eventually. It might take longer if you’ve been in a long relationship or you follow the advice above. Whatever the case, you’ll adapt to the new situation and it won’t seem so surreal after a time.
8. Move On Yourself
The best way to get over a lost love is to find a new one. You may not get entirely over your ex until you have a new love in your life. At that point, everything that happened will fall into its proper perspective.
And who knows? Maybe your ex will end up reading this same article, looking for advice.