How to Break Up With a Woman

People, especially guys, tend to linger in relationships. Most people procrastinate, so it isn't any surprise that people would procrastinate over something as unpleasant as a break up. Let's face it; it takes courage for guys to break up the right way.

In this case, though, waiting around isn't doing her any favors. You're wasting her time and wasting your time, too. You're probably hoping she gets the point and breaks up with you, instead. But it probably won't work, and it's going to end up being more trouble to linger on for weeks and months on end with no resolution.

Besides, staying in a dead relationship is unintentionally cruel. While she probably senses something is wrong, you're letting the relationship wither on the vine. "Dosage" is a kind of emotional cruelty.

On the other hand, being too flippant about a breakup is another form of cruelty. Women are understandably sensitive about this stuff, so you need to show that you are trying to be equally sensitive. That doesn't mean it won't get ugly. But when you are breaking up with a woman, you are in damage control mode. This is the best chance you have for ending it without a lot of fireworks.

So here is the right way to break up with a woman.

1. Break Up Face to Face

Show your woman the respect to break up with her face to face. You've got to "be a man" about this. If you decide to tell her over the phone, you are showing disrespect for what has gone on in your lives together. Breaking up via email shows contempt.

It's extremely unpleasant to look a woman in the face and tell her you don't want to see her anymore. But it's the right thing to do.

2. Let Her Hear It From You

Don't let every mutual friend you have know about the breakup first. Of course, you'll probably talk about your concerns or get advice from a friend or two beforehand. Just make sure these are your buddies, not mutual friends.

I remember the story of football coach Tom Landry learning he was fired by a newspaper headline. People still hold a grudge against the owner of the Dallas Cowboys for the way that went down. Breaking up isn't much different from firing someone. The last thing you want is a disgruntled ex-girlfriend following you around.

Besides, if she knows it's coming, then you lose control of the situation. Instead of ending it in a time and place of your choosing, you're likely to get blind-sided at the worst possible moment.

3. Choose the Right Time

Make sure to choose a day that isn't going to inflict emotional damage on the woman. Don't break up with her on her birthday or a holiday. If you're been seeing one another for a short time, you're ruining this particular special day for her. If you've been seeing one another for a long time and there are a lot of emotions wrapped up in the relationship, you may be ruining this special day for her for years to come. It's a little like having a loved one die on Christmas.

4. Choose the Right Place

The setting of the breakup is highly important. There are so many bad places you can choose to have it take place at.

Don't break up at your place.

This means she'll be leaving on her time. You'll either have to ask her to leave eventually, or deal with a long and drawn out breakup process as she lingers at your place for the rest of the evening. She might well try to persuade you to stay with her. Believe me, there is nothing worse than the long breakup.

Don't break up at her place.

This is better than the last option, because you can leave at any time. But this is where she is most comfortable and therefore vulnerable at. Plus, she may get phone calls or drop ins that end up prolonging the whole event.

Don't break up at your "favorite" place.

Your favorite restaurant or club carries with it all kinds of pleasant memories. If you associate this place with a very unpleasant memory, she may not want to return to the place, thereby losing something else out of the breakup. Besides, if you take her there, she'll be expecting it to be like the good ole days. This makes the shock all the more jolting. Plus, you might end up getting sentimental sitting around "your" place.

Choose somewhere like a new restaurant or a coffee bar. Somewhere like a local park is probably the best place. It's in public, so she's less likely to make a scene. At the same time, you have privacy and either of you can leave at any time. You don't even have to wait uncomfortably to pick up the check.

5. Tell Her the Truth

This is the point where we say, "It isn't you; it's me." Most of the time, this is at least partly the truth. No one ever really believes it, though the point needs to be made.

Try to tell her truthfully the exact reason why you need to move on. If you are getting over a bad relationship and it's a matter of bad timing, tell her that. If you've met someone else, carefully explain to her what is happening and that you think there is someone better for the both of you. If you don't think you're incompatible, find some way to convey that to her.

Try to focus on yourself, your needs and your shortcomings. The last thing you want is to come across like you're blaming her for the shortcomings of the relationship. But after it's over, she's going to analyze what went wrong. If you tell her in a straightforward fashion, it's less likely she will stalk you looking for answers or reconciliation.

6. Be Clear and Simple

Don't spend a whole lot of time analyzing the relationship. One, this just prolongs the torture of the breakup process. It will be draining to the both of you, as you move across the spectrum of anger, regret, sadness and guilt. In other words, it will turn into a mess.

Two, it's likely to lead to ambiguity. After a while, you'll start talking about tangential issues in the relationship, and she'll walk away confused and bewildered by the whole process.

7. Stay Calm

If she gets angry with you, you need to keep your cool. Let her vent. It's probably good for her and may keep her from "venting" in other ways and at a later date. If you fire back, you're likely to have one of those "bad breakups" that nobody wants to deal with.

Weathering a little anger and nastiness may be the price you have to pay for your freedom. Don't take anything to heart, because this is the worst possible moment for the woman. These are the kind of things you would normally apologize for saying afterwards; in this case, there is no afterwards.

8. Be Convincing

This is not the time for ambiguity. If you have decided in a calm, rational fashion that you need to end the relationship, do not let emotions get the better of you. The woman may cry, but this is no reason to rethink your decision. You're clearer headed in the moments leading up to the break up, not in the heat of the moment.

Once again, if you "try" to break up and she cries and convinces you to stay, this is only prolonging the agony. If you're decided there's something in the relationship you can't live with, then staying in it is being cruel to her.